On Friday, 8 March 2019, S organised a meetup at Essen at The Pinnacle Duxton.
Guy A brought his brother who had problem focusing along. A was terrible at observing and following social cues and switching topic when the conversation gets stale. He lacked the awareness and sense to tell when a conversation is becoming boring and the listener is losing interest. He kept monopolising the conservation and turned it into a rant instead. However, it’s not like conversational etiquette is totally lost on him - when I looked away and spoke to someone else, he stopped talking and joined in the group’s conversation (more than 2 people). Fom then on, he didn’t attempt to change the topic to what he wants to talk about.
He is close to 40 years old and still full of unresolved issues… We were talking about when we joined the group and I said I first joined when I was in NS. When he heard that, he delivered a tirade on his time as a sergeant and how he felt the pressure of twenty men behind him while the RSM stood in front of him. He said he had the responsibility to take care of his men, and how there were irresponsible sergeants who didn’t care.
I tried to cut in to no avail. He went on to rant about how the government didn’t change the deep-seated culture to prevent the NS deaths. And how the government doesn’t care about mental health… It seemed to me that his mental and emotional maturity were stuck at where it stopped growing 20 years ago.
I asked him if he had a group of friends; to which he replied that he would have lunch with his clients. That sparked my curiousity and I asked him to elaborate on his definition of a friend - because I didn’t think his ‘friends’ would help him when he is in trouble. He said his friends were married and didn’t have time to hang out with him. He wasn’t too clear on whether they could be relied on though. Even now, I can still recall his glowing eyes when he spoke about those touchy subjects… It must have meant a lot to him.
How to handle difficult people at meetup?
My core motivation remains the same - to make friends with nurturing individuals. It’s a bonus if they’re intellectual stimulating. That’s the reason why I participate in this meetup group. Your motivation may differ from mine, therefore inevitably your strategy would be different.
On one hand, I have an obligation to help those in need. On the other hand, there are those who are beyond my ability to help; those who are not going to benefit from mere advice, and would require more drastic intervention. The rational thing to do is to focus on the rare few who are within my ability to help AND who wants to be helped.
Honestly, it doesn’t take that long to grasp what a person is like (For simplicity I will use him, a gendered pronoun). You’ll need 10-20 minutes tops to sense what bothers him, what are his motivations etc. Armed with that knowledge, you can sort of guess whether your knowledge and experience will aid him. Once you reach the conclusion that he is beyond your ability to help; if you’re patient, you can provide a listening ear. If not, feel free to move around and talk to other people or steer the subject to a more interesting one.
Interestingly, those who are beyond my ability to help are usually those who I am not too keen to talk to. Anyway, life is too short to surround yourself with boring and unhappy individuals. I’d rather surround myself with those interesting, fun, nourishing and intellectually stimulating individuals. Can help, help. Cannot nevermind.
Last updated: 25 July 2021