I went out twice and met two groups of friends during GE2020 election week. During the interactions, I wasn’t bored but neither was I particularly excited or intellectually stimulated. It took effort to get the conversation rolling and even then I didn’t really enjoy it that much. I could tell TheSpecialOne felt the same.

It was the same when I was with N. See! I was expecting a surprised and amused reaction when I shared my unique and provocative experience, but his reaction was relatively tame. Perhaps he didn’t ask any further questions because he felt uneasy and didn’t want to look like he was probing. It could be tact on his part, then again in the gaps of a conversation - there’s a space where he could choose but I don’t think he’s woke enough.

This was one of the many interactions we had which made me think he didn’t seem all that interesting himself. My reflex reaction sounds like I am pointing fingers and being lowkey resentful. Why do I expect him to ask good questions and be interesting? That’s the fundamentals of being a good conversationalist in my opinion. Have I done that though? Hmm…

This got me thinking about when I last enjoyed my conversations and it was with CY. Why? It’s intellectual and personal. Intellectual because it’s full of unique takes and point of view. Personal because he listens to understand, asks good questions and builds rapport by sharing his own experience. There’s something masturbatory about this: we had a good conversation, I feel good and thus attributed positive qualities to the both of us. Anyway, I think the most important thing is resonance and vibe. That can only be built via rapport and shared interest.

I don’t have a lot of friends in real life and the close ones tend to be busy with life. I’ve had to ask a friend out multiple times and get rejected. This neediness is a central theme of my friendships for a long time. Somehow I have less going on in my life and therefore I’m often the one asking people out. Part of the reason is my family doesn’t really go out and do things together.

I guess one of my goals would be to build a social circle/community where you can move in and out. Attendance is not compulsory and is based on your needs. I can’t imagine myself being in the same social circles for the rest of my life. But that’s because I am not really in one now. I don’t want that. If it gets bigger, I don’t like it. I can cope fairly well in large groups but I much prefer smaller crowds.

I would like to think I appreciate friends who provide different utilities - discussion friends, video games friends, family friends, personal friends etc. What if the problem was I expected them to provide that while ignoring the other utility I get from them? I want to be intellectually challenged in real life, listen to different povs etc.

Last updated: 25 July 2021