I started working this year and my colleagues are really kind people (not nice as distinguished from nice guys). Initially I had my guard up and viewed any innocuous questions with suspicion as if my answer could potentially be used against me. My co-worker could sense my hesitance and explained why he asked the question to assuage my worries.

For example, if I accidentally dozed off he would ask me if I had any problems sleeping at night. He was genuinely concerned as opposed to giving me problems. The interactions in that collaborative, nurturing and transparent environment taught me there are people out there who would care about your Preferences. It’s the same with asking questions or asking favours on the Internet; there are also a surprising number of people who would do you trivial (or even non-trivial) favours.

I don’t think it’s possible to have that shift in worldview unless you experience it for yourself. How can you achieve that? Satisfy your basic needs first, once you have more resources you can aim at a better goal. Disclose a bit of yourself and watch their reaction. If nothing abnormal happens, good. Do that over a period of time and slowly build up the trust. Most importantly, you’ll find yourself comfortably taking up space when you feel safe to express your preferences

I also think using Twitter and Facebook helps when you tell the commenters to refrain from using vulgarities on your wall or timeline for example. You set the rules for the replies to your post or tweet.

My parents, especially my dad, didn’t care much about what I want or what anyone wants for that matter. He’d always decide where to eat (in Chinese we call it 大男人主义), how to solve a problem and assert his opinions as The Right Way. Being the wife, my mum would listen to him. Yes, the object disagreement plays a role but it’s not so much that than the values we disagree over.

Even if my mum cared, I couldn’t communicate to her what I wanted because I didn’t know anyway. It’s not like she’s the kind of person to encourage me to break out of the shell. I feel like my parents are not only inarticulate but emotionally stunted too. It’s obvious they haven’t talked about how they want to parent their kids.

I suppose this is why my family frequently quarrel over small things. It’s not that they are arguing over the same facts, they are not. They don’t even see the same facts because they have different value systems.

Let me give an example: when my dad sees a clean pile of clothes on the chair and he wants to sit there, he would shift it back to the basket. When my brother sees it, he would scold my dad for not telling him or not considering alternative solutions like moving it to another chair. The scope of my dad’s solution-search was only limited to 1 and 2. It didn’t occur to him to 1) inform my brother or 2) consider alternative solutions like moving it to another chair.

Last updated: 25 July 2021