I stopped my 500 words a day journaling because it wasn’t making a dent on my most urgent problem - i.e. clarifying my idea of friendship and making friends. This was made even more obvious to me when my social needs aren’t being fulfilled or to put it simply I felt lonely. Phase 2 reopening started two days ago on 19 June 2020 and we can dine out in small groups of 5 or less. However, my friends were busy and I have no other plans. To be fair, I’m not just referring to meeting my friends after a few months of not seeing them. Our Whatsapp group isn’t active and we don’t talk on a regular basis. Although I’m not used to it, I suppose I could go out alone to jalan2 and enjoy some of my favourite food. But what do I like anyway?
I like to discuss software, world affairs, politics, how things work and how to get better at peopling etc. I also have the confidence to talk to girls, so what? It’s like I’m missing a core group of friends who understand and care about me. That is one of the reasons why I started using Twitter more often and why I am prioritising it than writing blog post.
Think about it this way: if I was selective when I had many social activities, I’d still have a net gain. If I was selective when I didn’t have much going on, I’d have a net loss. My selectiveness was a result of feeling absolute boredom, suppression, unhappiness, humiliation and resentment when I was around some people. I used to turn down invitations when I had a lot going on, but these days I don’t have that problem.
My interests are getting too cerebral for my friends and I tend to prefer having good conversations than doing things together. Why do I restrict myself to that? I have many options from playing pool or board games to rock climbing or watching a movie. That’s something worth thinking about going forward. With an already small pool of friends due to my interests, unfortunately, they are often busy with their own lives and circles of friend. It felt weird for me to keep asking and be denied, that’s like some dom/sub dynamic.
My interest may make it hard to make friends with my peers: I am not a fan of video games. I don’t do things, people my age do, I don’t club etc. I don’t know that many people who hold the same interests as I do. When I was young, I struggled to find a sense of belonging. I never really belonged in a clique, I was in and out. Even if I identify myself as part of a group, I don’t know if they feel the same. It could be a cultural thing but my Kashmiri friends occasionally do things without telling me. To be fair, I can understand why they’re so close because they have a similar background - same race, same religion etc. I can also understand if they don’t view me as a part of them.
What if I were to set a goal to attend any social events I was invited to? In short, I should devote all my energies to being gregarious and see how I like it. This should reveal greater insights on my preferences: what kind of people I like to mix with, what topics I enjoy discussing, what activities I love to get involved in.
Last updated: 25 July 2021