There’s something really wrong with my dad. I have been trying to put it down in words but I don’t feel like I have captured the essence of it. Whenever I try to explain the rationale behind my actions and introduce a small tweak, I feel like it doesn’t really sink in for him. The subsequent blowback from the times when I inevitably get sucked into an unnecessary argument makes me wonder if it’s worth it.
He has a whole framework of unexamined beliefs propped up by his life experience that makes him so petty, bitter, cynical and contemptible. For example, just today he says that my sister bullies him at home because he’s the “weakest”. He complains that she would never do that to me or my brother. What the fuck is this old man on? He’s a father for christ’s sake. When he’s resentful, talking to him is like being sucked into a blackhole of whataboutism and deflection. It’s so FUCKING DIFFICULT to actually get through to him. He is a poor listener, talks over you and goes in circles.
He’s like that kid who mimics what you do without considering the differences in relative status, temperament, skill sets and your relationship with other people. You can’t turn the tide in your favour without acquiring all of those first; the action is merely an instrument for those forces. He has that PUA mindset of learning how to dress flamboyantly and neg, but that itself won’t lead to a six-packs and chiseled body. You need relentless discipline to get there. That discipline will flow into other parts of your life and transform your relationship with it.
Why should you do anything when you have no anchor or footing in life? He doesn’t have an amicable relationship with everyone, nobody can bear to spend a long time with him to be honest. He doesn’t have any friends. He spends his time exercising and watching TV. He lives a life of quiet desperation and expects us to respect him because he raised us by paying for shit. He’s very “sensitive” and has a fragile ego. If you criticise him, he gets defensive without evaluating the merits of your argument. He expects us to give money to them for living expenses. He wants us to do household chores and rotate duties, yet he himself doesn’t willingly do any of them. He displays contempt for chores and calls it women’s jobs even though my mum is actually working during this period.
When I was younger, my mum criticised us and said we treat our house like a hotel. Guess what? Who inculcated such attitudes and habits onto us? I rather hate how he blames it on us without considering the role they played in our formation.
I’m starting to think you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I have to be more sensitive when talking to him since he is easily offended. Maybe I should give up on trying to change him. It’s an insurmountable task. It’s sad but things will unlikely to change much. Sigh. I want to cry but tears won’t come out.
Last updated: 25 July 2021